To the Junkie that Stole the Things out of my Saddle Bag (and his Friend that Stole a Bike)

By Court | Permalink | 1 comment | May 23rd, 2005 | Trackback

This Saturday, I was disheartened to discover that after a joyful 20-minute farmer’s market excursion, a thief decided to purloin the objects in my bike saddle bag. Perhaps it was punishment for my offensive purple leg warmers. Perhaps it was irritation at realizing my bike was locked. Perhaps it was just fate. Regardless, seeing as how the bag itself was left in tact, I can only assume you have found other uses for my bike paraphernalia. In case you are still left holding the items, let me detail alternate uses that I have come up with for them:

1 tire tube: tire tubes are excellent instant tourniquets. Tie that sucker round and round and watch those veins jump out like your next-door-neighbor’s fake boobs.

2 tire levers: these bight yellow suckers are excellent for popping out your eyeballs when you’re on a bad LSD trip. Hook ‘em in there and bam! No more moving walls, hallucinations or talking plants.

1 tire pump (CO 2): this can probably only be used in conjunction with the:

2 CO 2 cartridges: I’m sure there has got to be a way to suck up enough gas to send you into at least a 10-second lala land. Don’t worry if you fuck up on the first one or it’s a dud - that’s why I always carry two!

Since it is only fair that I made your day on Saturday, I would appreciate a favor in return. Don’t worry, I am not going to ask for the stuff back. However, that night, one of your friends came to my house and stole my friend’s bike:
Matte Black Felt f15 Racing Bicycle size 58.
DuraAce 10spd groupo
worn selle italia SLR XP saddle
Kysrium SSL SC Wheelset with Ritchey Open Tubular Race tires (Details here: http://portland.craigslist.org/bik/74714000.html)

Since I can’t come up with any good drug uses for well-worn seats or taped handlebars, I can only assume that you wish to sell it. If you wish to return it, I promise to give you my whole box of CO2 cartridges and even a few popped tubes to sweeten the deal.

Love,
The Purple People Eater

P.S. In all seriousness, if someone spots the bike on the road, please let one of us know.

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